Do you take your whole self wherever you go?
As a kid, I was loud and full of energy. I frequently had to be told to tone it down or to use my inside voice. When I started school, I quickly learned that I needed to raise my hand if I wanted to speak; and that I needed to ask permission before getting out of my seat or to leave the classroom. Each day after arriving home after school, the first thing I did was to change out of my school clothes into my “around the house” clothes. These experiences lead to me developing two different personas, one for home and one for school. At school, I dressed differently, I followed different rules and I even talked differently. The older I got, the more the separation grew between the “real” Courtney and the “public” Courtney. In many ways, I was playing a character that I believed would be more palatable to the outside world. What I didn’t realize at that time was that not only was I creating more work for myself; but, in general, people were less receptive to me when I was using my public persona. What I now know that I didn’t then, is that people can intuitively sense when something or someone is not genuine. It is off-putting to most people when they believe that someone is being disingenuous. While my motives were never malicious, I was being deceptive by not being myself. It wasn’t until graduate school that I recognized the problem. You see, while I was actively hiding my true self, a handful of my graduate school colleagues took the time to really get to know me and point out that I wasn’t allowing others to experience the real me. This was a pivotal lesson that changed the trajectory of my life.
As I entered the workforce, I was still learning what it meant to bring your whole self to work. Admittedly, I may have even course-corrected a bit too far at times. Being genuine and authentic is not about displaying everything about yourself 100% of the time; but rather it is about taking your whole self wherever you go so that you have access to what you need, when you need it.
I am naturally loud, curious, friendly, with a bit of a quirky sense of humor. I appreciate order, so my brain is constantly trying to create order out of chaos. The way that these traits show up may differ depending on the setting and my audience, but they are always with me and they always show up. I have learned over time the balance of always having my personal toolkit available and using the right tools at the right place and right time. I find that most often, as I have been guilty of in the past, people misinterpret the phrase “there is a time and place for everything”. While it is true that the jokes that I tell at home or when I am out with family and friends might not be appropriate in the workplace, that doesn’t mean that I can’t use humor while I am at work. I wouldn’t give a boardroom presentation in my native Southern dialect with my Southern accent in full effect; however I might use both in a 1:1 coaching session where relatability is a key component of establishing a relationship.
When I work with clients that I coach, I assign homework. The majority of the clients that I work with are looking to grow professionally. The focus of most conversations are workplace related. However, I strongly encourage my clients to approach the homework assignments from a personal as well as a professional perspective. If soliciting feedback is included in the assignment, I encourage them to ask for feedback from work colleagues and family members and/or friends outside of work. What is often revealed is that the individual can effectively navigate the same or similar situation in their personal lives that they struggle with in a work setting. Why would this be, you may ask? It is because the person has certain ways of doing things at home that they believe are not acceptable in a work setting. However, most often the skillset being applied would be effective and easily transferable in a work setting. For example, moms are experts at getting their kiddos to do things that they might not necessarily want to do. The same fundamental skills used to convince a kid to eat his or her vegetables might also be applicable in convincing a potential customer that they need your product. Of course, one would never want to talk to a client in the same manner and tone that they use with their five year old; but the fundamental principles of persuasion and influence may be the same. The reverse is true as well, mastering great mediation skills in a work environment can lead to improved relationships and interactions in one’s personal life.
Authenticity has become a popular buzzword in our society, but what does it really mean to be your authentic self wherever you go? If you enjoy wearing comfortable loungewear and fuzzy slippers, does it mean that you wear these items to work in order to “show up” as authentic? If you often tell colorful jokes or use colorful language with your closest friends and family, should you tell these same jokes and use the same colorful language at your child’s school PTA meeting to ensure that you are coming across as genuine? Being genuine and authentic is less about our outward appearance and preferences, and more about our character, values and integrity.
Character is defined as “the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing.” Merriam-Webster defines values as “a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.” There are two notable definitions for integrity: 1. “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness” and 2. “the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction”. I believe both apply. Integrity is about adherence to a personal code as well as being structurally sound and whole. It is ultimately the consistent presentation of a person’s true nature, principles and wholeness that demonstrate authenticity and genuineness. One of my favorite quotes is by e.e.cummings, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.” Authenticity is not about what we wear, how we speak or how we choose to wear our hair, it is about staying true to the individual values, standards and principles that define our character and representing those things in every interaction. So, if humor is a core value, you can be humorous without telling jokes that are inappropriate or potentially offensive and not compromise your authenticity. If you value standing out from the crowd above all else, you might select a work wardrobe that is professional, yet eclectic and your presentation style might be bright and bold. When a core value or principle is challenged, do you stand firm in the face of adversity to maintain the integrity of what is important to you? Do others around you know what you value based on their interactions with you? Is your behavior congruent with your character? These are the things that make up the true measure of authenticity.
There is no one within this universe that can be a better me…
The key point is that you do not need to display every component of yourself in exactly the same way in order to be genuinely authentic. However, if you find yourself hiding or leaving “parts” of yourself behind because you are afraid or have learned from past experiences that they won’t be accepted, then you are doing yourself and those around you a great disservice. The world doesn’t need and won’t be sustained by a horde of carbon copies. Our collective contributions complete the puzzle and just like a puzzle each piece is unique and essential to the whole. I have come to learn that while there may be others that hold the same title, offer the same products or services, or even share a similar skill or talent, there is no one within this universe that can be a better me. Being secure in this knowledge empowers me to bring my whole self to every interaction and every encounter I have, and this wholeness is my competitive advantage.
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